Saw the items in paper and on TV about suicide awareness/ prevention. As some of you will remember, I addressed the suicide of two relatives many years ago. One not so close as mother's side of family was dysfunctional to be kind. So many terrible things to each other to get some kind of imagined advantage?
In any case no one especially my grand mother who tried to keep the sharp knives out of sight when some got together for what ever reason saw the death coming. Maybe that was not a politically correct sentence I just wrote, but the fighting that went on when the clan collected in part or whole could be unbelievable. It got damned physical sometimes.
As for the other one, we had watched her efforts to do harm to her self for years. Sent her to doctors, tried medications; nothing worked and finally when about 14, she just ran away. The rest as was noted is history.
I can not remember how the various family units dealt with the passing. I for one did not talk about it much except to other people in our two generational groups. Our parents and among the remaining four of our group. My mother, but not my wife as she was an outsider to the "group" that I grew up with. My mother did talk to wife, but I do not know how the conversations went? Maybe, I was in some sort of denial/ and possible shame about it? But that is 20/20 as of this posting? We had very definite ideas as I noted before that she did not commit suicide but was murdered because of her drug messenger activities?
I hope I am not causing bad memories for anyone? This is something that NO person should feel guilt about is how I know I feel today. I have said for decades that suicide is a call for help that went unanswered. But for many and I will put myself in there; we do not always know how to help? The person can be so frustrating in their behavior that we are confused on what to do? In the day, there was not the choices that exist now but those sad events from years past are what has opened the door today for more help. so maybe some help came out of those sad days for people needing help today? I think all in all, I need to give this issue some more personal thought? Hope all understand this short post. 'nuff said.
I have given this much, much thought in the past hours. I am surprised at how much for I am not sure what reasons? One thing I can assure all is that this will never go away in our minds, hearts and souls. It will lessen for some; My Aunt who's daughter died in 1968 had NEVER, NEVER let it go. It has destroyed every day of her life since that July day in 1968.
She tried to hide in a bottle, but it would brings swings of crying and laughter as she would remember something Vivian had done or tried to do, finally allegedly with finality. It would be too often my mother as her dearest and most loving to her who would have to weather these storms. And be assured on these times, the waves were high and the winds a tempest in our hours. She could never be relieved or at peace with her mind.
The last time I was able to see her was in 2004. She was continually deteriorating in mind and body due to excessive drinking and a lethal form of cancer. I tried in early 2005 to visit before leaving for the Philippines; but she refused to answer her door. The lady who managed the Trailer Park told me she was having terrible problems because of the son in her "second" family from another sad marriage. Plus I learned more how advanced the Cancer had become. She was almost 80 at the time; so mourn her for her terrible problems? Or cherish the many years I had been given by my God to be in her life. She was many times in my youth more the mother to me than my own. I have chosen to cherish her; her daughter's and our total memories in life.
Her son and I along with the others in our group of five have moved on and too what degree I do not know lived with it. I will for ever wonder if we (my mother, wife and sister) had gone up to Frisco from Fort Ord; would something have happened differently? There was sure no room in her apt. for four more adults, her husband and her? Maybe she would have said "get me out of here. Let me stay at your place till I can get a way North to Mom"? Or would we who had no dog in the fight gotten somehow involved into the alleged murder that so many of us believe was the real reason for her passing that night?
So, if and I repeat if you have a loved one, a friend and even just a good neighbor who is in distress and worse denial; go to these sources and learn what you can do or at least try to do? The suicidal can be compared to the alcoholic; both have destructive pursuits that in too many cases are one and the same? But I will say, it the same for both, one must want themselves to change their destructive behavior; no one else can do any more than show them the open door. They must choose to enter on their own. But be on the other side either yourself or others with open arms and welcoming hands.
I do not know if God will put my questions on what I could have; maybe should have done these almost 45 years ago in the wrong side of the ledger when I go to my reckoning? Or will I somehow have those erased by having done things since to help even when those I tried to help did not understand the offered hand? God will tell me in time and I will as all men do; accept his decision with my own finality. 'nuff said II.